


Bob

by Donya



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: FrostIron - Freeform, Humour, Lingerie, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-09
Updated: 2016-03-09
Packaged: 2018-05-25 09:12:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6188665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Donya/pseuds/Donya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony and Loki's relationship is a secret until Loki decides to wash dirty linen in public, in front of the whole Avengers team.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bob

It was that time of the year again, Tony's birthday. Steve hated it, there was no other way to say it. He had to prepare himself for another wild night of putting up with totally drunk people. That was the high cost of the serum; over the years, Steve had witnessed all sorts of crazy behaviour fuelled by alcohol. Usually, he was the only person sober enough to be bothered by Tony's spontaneous striptease or the very ribald songs Thor loved to sing after a couple of beers.

Tony managed to surprise everyone by making a baffling decision to keep the celebrations to the absolute minimum. Just closest friends and a single bottle of champagne, in the tower. That did not make sense, Steve waited for him to say it was all a joke and start undressing. Nothing like that happened, they sat awkwardly, sipping the champagne and wondered what had possessed Tony. Maybe he had health problems or discovered how easy it is to function without a constant hangover? Tony appeared to be in an excellent mood. Come to think of it, he was like that for a while. Less anxious, more at peace with himself, not as reckless as before. He either found God or abused prescription drugs, most likely some powerful sedatives.

Thor, as disappointed as the others, was about to leave when they all heard a loud noise, as if someone kicked the door really hard, then another, accompanied by furious shouting that sounded like 'Tony _fucking_ Stark!' Moments later, a very angry Loki stormed in, carrying a small item of clothing. As he came closer, it became apparent that it was a lace lingerie set, a black corset decorated with green ribbons, black panties and a red suspender belt. Loki ignored the guests and without any explanation began to energetically hit Tony with the underwear. The delicate material made the whipping unintentionally gentle, out of frustration Loki screamed as well to  let off steam.

'You fucking piece of shit! How could you do this to me?! Who's that bitch?'

Thor was the only one who considered saving Tony, the rest was too stunned by the rather obvious conclusion- Tony and Loki were something more than enemies. Also, Tony didn't look like he needed help, in fact, he found Loki's outburst enjoyable.

'Yes, harder,' Tony pleaded, not a trace of any negative emotion in his voice. He must have been blinded by love or lust, otherwise, he would have seen how terrifyingly Loki looked while seething. The combination of crazy eyes and crimson blush on his cheeks gave the impression of dealing with a madman.

'Brother, what are you doing?' Thor asked cautiously, perhaps aware that he might not like the answer.

Loki realised how futile his attack on Tony was and straightened up, still grasping the lace tightly in his hand. He took a look at the Avengers and their facial expressions only poured gasoline on the fire.

'Oh, I'm sorry, am I being rude?' It came out as aggressive as possible. 'Am I making you feel uncomfortable?'

'Well, yes,' Thor replied quietly and Loki started to shake with fury again.

Tony finally acknowledged the seriousness of the state his secret lover was in and to prevent him from lashing out on the innocent, Tony said calmingly, 'Now it's not a good time, darling, go wait for me in the bedroom and I'll explain everything.' 

Loki batted his hand away and yelled, 'Why? So you can come up with an excuse? You're an idiot, you even left the receipt, you've bought this shit two days ago, so don't lie to me that it's from before we got together. No, you know what? Don't say anything, it's my fault! How could I ever believe that you'll be faithful to me? I was stupid enough to think that we would never discuss getting a divorce, I thought we would be separated when you die of old age!'

Tony's small chuckle and a loving 'Oh, baby' was barely registered, everyone was still processing the significance of the d word. Steve groaned as he recalled a recent memory of seeing a wedding ring on Tony's finger. The explanation that Tony offered was that it belonged to Howard and that he used it as a shield against flirtatious teens. 

'You are married?!' Thor roared and grabbed Loki's wrist to take a closer look at the piece of jewellery on Loki's finger. 'You said it was a protective ring to ward off evil spirits!'

'Your intellect is rivaled only by garden tools,' Loki spat and shoved Thor away. 'Stark, I hope it's clear that I am taking Bob with me to Asgard and you'll never see him again!'

Steve started to think he was having a bad dream, an oddly detailed nightmare. Accepting that Tony had been in a relationship with Loki was hard enough and now there was a Bob and a custody battle ensuing?

'You have a child together?'

Tony, suspiciously untroubled by Loki blurting out their secrets, cracked a smile. 'Yeah. He has four legs and a tail.'

'Oh my God,' Steve muttered, concerned for the safety of the whole humanity. Bob might not be a threat yet but the story about Loki's other children didn't give much hope. 'How are you coping with having, umm, such a special child?'

'Oh, it's great, he pees everywhere to mark his territory and brings me dead mice. It's because he's a _cat._ We've adopted a cat. Guys, you should see the look on your faces,' Tony laughed, even when Loki smacked him with the suspender belt again. 'Babe, stop. You got it all wrong. Go and-'

'No! Let's do this here, so you can have an audience!'

The audience could not be more reluctant to see that show but it seemed wise not to make any moves, Loki was out of control and could attack anyone at that point. With lingerie.

'You said you hate sexy underwear!' Loki continued his ranting. 'I wanted us to play together-'

'Aaah,' Thor groaned, no doubt involuntarily imagining Loki wearing fishnet or lace undergarments.

'- and you said _no, never, it's strange and stop talking about this, Loki!_ So who is this for?' Loki gesticulated so frantically that the panties flew away and landed on Steve's lap. That particular pair had a hole in the most crucial place. 'For your mistress? Who is that bitch? Going after a married man, that's so low!'

'Loki, would you just shut your mouth for five seconds and listen,' Tony was finally losing his patience. 'It's for you, the whole set. A surprise gift for our anniversary.'

Steve carefully transferred the panties to the coffee table. Almost a full year of marriage and no one thought they even liked each other. Quite impressive deception.

Loki was not convinced. 'Why should I believe you? You just want me to stop talking, don't you?'

That was a general desire. Steve wanted to walk out of the tower and never return. How could Tony fall in love with someone as messed up, unpredictable and whiny as Loki? And more importantly, why did he think that tying the knot was the right thing to do? 

'Lokes, I appreciate it that you go through my stuff and jump to conclusions.' Tony patted Loki's hip comfortingly. 'Now, stop acting crazy and put this where you found it, it has to wait for the anniversary. Try to be surprised when you unpack it again. Also, you do understand that you have just lost our bet by informing everyone about our little secret. Do you remember what kind of punishment we agreed on?'

Thor gasped and put a hand over his mouth, none of them needed that many details about Tony and Loki's private matters.

'Darling, are you serious?' Loki's eyes widened in excitement. 'Are we really going to do _that_? Oh!' He leant in for a kiss that he made sure was as loud and cringeworthy as possible. 'Give me ten minutes, I'll take a quick shower and feed Bob. You,' Loki pointed to the traumatised Avengers, 'go away, Tony's busy.' Then he jollily ran to the bathroom, magically disrobing in the process. The sight of his perky white ass cheeks solidified Steve's belief that things always can get worse, no matter how impossible it may seem.

As if nothing had happened, Tony casually sat back and finished his champagne.

'Now I kinda regret I decided not to have a birthday cake. One slice does not kill you, right?' He smiled at his shocked guests, completely relaxed. For sure he had a habit of pill-popping. 'I even switched  up chocolate for cocoa powder. Tastes like, well, dark chocolate and it's a great source of magnesium and, heh heh, iron.' 

Steve looked around. Thor was still battling nausea, Bruce was doing breathing exercises to control his anger and Clint gritted his teeth and clenched fists.

'What?' Tony was genuinely confused by their reactions. 'You mean this?' He pointed to his wedding band.

'Yes,' Steve couldn't handle the tension anymore. 'How did that happen? What did Loki do to you that-'

'If you must know, we've made out after Loki had been defeated, tenderly because he was still in pain. Then one day he shows up in tears and tells me his mother died and he hasn't got any family. I thought, well, neither have I, so we decided to start a family together. And since Loki's a trickster, he suggested we try to fool you into thinking that we're not even friends and see how long it will take you to figure out the truth, _lol_.'

'What about me? I'm his brother, we're family,' Thor reminded, deeply hurt.

'Ah, yeah, I forgot about that. Now you're even _my_ brother, in law.'

Clint turned to the Steve. 'Clearly, Tony's been brainwashed. We should hit him on the head, really hard.'

'That's not necessary,' Tony assured them. 'All is well. I really have no idea why so many married people complain. We don't argue and I'm pretty sure that Loki made this scene just for fun, such a drama queen. He must have guessed I bought the corset for him but he often gets worked up over nothing. I'll spank him extra hard for his trouble. So, thanks for coming, guys, marital duties call.'

And that was the end of the most memorable birthday party of Tony Stark. Not only did he settle down but also got a living pet, not another Dum-e. Steve couldn't be more conflicted, Tony was happily married to the wrong person. What would a true friend do? Conspire with Thor to keep them apart or work on making 'I'm happy for you' sound honest? Perhaps that was a sign to start looking for Bucky again, he had been manipulated but at least did not marry his oppressor.


End file.
